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mercury by ~UncleBrazzie:iconUncleBrazzie:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Nature > Fixed


on quicksilver sandals breaking the dawn,
from solar rays the least withdrawn,
the messenger shouts his warning:

"heed me now, whilst I in skies abide,
or else, perforce, await the eventide
when again I will depart till morning"
©2007-2009 ~UncleBrazzie
:iconunclebrazzie:

Author's Comments

Damn that :iconlostheaven:...the man keeps inspiring me time and again :D

Anyhow, I'm attempting a series based on planets and other celestial bodies. This is part 1, and I'm hoping to work my way outward as I go along....

Comments


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:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Jul 30, 2007, 12:58:51 PM
Hmmmm....that must be the most economic comment I haev received in quite some time :p

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
:iconenge-tzehai:
~enge-tzehai Jul 30, 2007, 11:34:23 PM
I have a bit of a problem with the rhythm of line 3 and 6 that differs from the rhythm of lines 1, 2, 4, 5... It starts flowing but that there's like a wave flowing back that makes me stumble.
I do like the images it calls to mind, and the words you use. Keep up.

--
"All art is quite useless" - Oscar Wilde

Comment and I shall answer.
:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Jul 31, 2007, 12:03:19 AM
Granted. The commas in line 4 and 5 make it less flowing, more interspersed. Perhaps I could change line 5 to "or else await the eventide"...but I feel as if that's too brief a line to fit with the others...

Your comments are greatly appreciated, m'dear :hug:

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
:iconenge-tzehai:
~enge-tzehai Jul 31, 2007, 1:06:05 AM
But I don't mind lines 4 and 5. I have difficulties with lines 3 and 6! It probably has to do with the poem form being fixed anyway...
And alwys like to be of help and comment... :smooch:

--
"All art is quite useless" - Oscar Wilde

Comment and I shall answer.
:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Jul 31, 2007, 2:13:45 AM
3 and 6 together or just 3 compared to 6? ;)

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
:iconenge-tzehai:
~enge-tzehai Jul 31, 2007, 4:44:59 AM
Again.
Lines 1 and 2 flow. Then, line 3 flows in another direction, which makes me stumble. Lines 4 and 5 flow like lines 1 and 2, no problem there. Then line 6 again like line 3, flowing in another direction, hence, stumble again.

--
"All art is quite useless" - Oscar Wilde

Comment and I shall answer.
:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Jul 31, 2007, 5:56:55 AM
Ah. Now I hear you. Sorry, old age has addled my brain somewhat :p

I'll reflect on this some more so that I may hear you better still ;)

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
:icononycho:
~Onycho Aug 1, 2007, 5:54:12 AM
I likes! Yay! :3

--
"I like a woman that can kick my ass"- Spike Speigel (cowboy bebop)
"Megan can kick meh ass."-Me
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