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venus by ~UncleBrazzie:iconUncleBrazzie:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Fixed


as the snake ingests the dying sun
and daylight's rays become undone,
Venus starts her nightly wake

as Helios' horses neigh and bray
and chase away the craven snake,
Venus winks and turns to day

from duskfall to the morning's break
the sun, the snake, the sweet and sweating war between us,
illuminated by the light of Venus
©2007-2009 ~UncleBrazzie
:iconunclebrazzie:

Author's Comments

Part Two in the Planets and Celestial Bodies series. Not what I had in mind when I started but here it is nonetheless...

Comments


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:icononycho:
~Onycho Aug 1, 2007, 5:55:06 AM
Love the way the rhymes scheme winds and changes like a snakes coilling path! :)

--
"I like a woman that can kick my ass"- Spike Speigel (cowboy bebop)
"Megan can kick meh ass."-Me
:iconenge-tzehai:
~enge-tzehai Aug 1, 2007, 6:04:32 AM
I stumble again, on the long 8th line...
The flowing is better this time, but I would have liked more about Venus in the poem (in stead of just naming the planet, like a bystander)

--
"All art is quite useless" - Oscar Wilde

Comment and I shall answer.
:iconfelix-forever:
~Felix-Forever Aug 1, 2007, 11:23:49 PM
If this poem was a girl my age, I might take her her a good movie one time.

The last line makes me dislike her though. Like, greatly. It just seems, to me, not fitting for what the rest of the poem seems to be.
:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Aug 2, 2007, 1:17:09 AM
I originally wanted Venus to play a more active part here, but in the end, she became just a spectator, a passive force for the endless dynamics of attraction - repulsion.
I must admit it struggled with this, and it did not turn out exactly how I wanted it to, so perhaps there's a rewrite in store sometime, or perhaps a sequel ;)

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Aug 2, 2007, 10:09:34 PM
I kinda had to do something with the rhyme scheme. AAB will only ever get you so far ;)

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Aug 2, 2007, 10:11:03 PM
Funny, when I wrote it, I said to myself: "I'm sure Tzehai will not like that 8th line" :D

I wanted to portray Venus as a bystander for a change, a passive force, like gravity, rather than an active anthropomorphized Love Goddess...but I hear you, aye, I do.

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
:iconlostheaven:
~LostHeaven Aug 3, 2007, 10:53:45 AM
Just Jo

--
BUG CATCHER SEAN wants to fight!
:iconenge-tzehai:
~enge-tzehai Aug 3, 2007, 11:43:44 AM
still looking forward to the next poems... :)

--
"All art is quite useless" - Oscar Wilde

Comment and I shall answer.
:iconunclebrazzie:
~UncleBrazzie Aug 6, 2007, 12:13:44 AM
Cheh. Only just though ;)

--
Bork! Bork! Bork!
(-Swedish Chef)
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